Step into the rabbit hole

DH and I developed a deep, loving, honest and respectful relationship with each other during our time in the neutral state. After close to a year, DH was coming to the end of the project for which he'd been sent to this state for. It was time for us to make a choice; should he quit the job that sent him there and accept one offered to him in this new state and start our lives in this place foreign to both of us? Should we pick up and move to my home state where we would both have to find new jobs, or should I go with him back to his home state? The choice was made for me to accompany him to his home state.

Enter FIL and Narcissist(?) Stepmother (Hereafter referred to as N?SM-the ? is because at this time I'm not sure about her true intentions or goals). DH had only been renting a room in his friends house up to this point. He travels a lot for work so the maintenance of home ownership wasn't realistic. Prior to DH coming back to his home state, he and the friend had a major falling-out (long story short, friend got engaged to a N and turned on DH when he didn't enable them using him for $) and returning to that situation was out of the question. FIL and N?SM offered us space in their home. We accepted and spent 3 months their until we purchased our first home.

What is so important to understand, is the history between NMIL and FIL. They married at 19/20. and had 2 children-DH and NSIL. When DH was 8 they divorced and 5 years of raging drama and court battles ensued. The battles came to an end after both children had suffered to the point of failing in school, depression and suicidal thoughts. The battle didn't end because the parents came to an agreement out of love for their children's well-being; rather it came out of sacrifice by FIL. He relinquished custody in order to save them from further emotional decimation.


NMIL spent all of DH and NSIL's childhood training them to believe that FIL abandoned them because he didn't care. NMIL, upon meeting me, immediately began trying to control my view of FIL as well by announcing that FIL beat her, was a druggie, cheated and addicted to porn,every chance she gets. ESF chimes in with supportive accusations when she's on a rant.

The first time I had to witness this attempt at character assassination was soon after we had arrived to DH's home state, and we had come to visit NMIL and ESP. We attempted to reserve exactly who it was we were staying with, but NMIL correctly figured it out, and standing there in the dining room, her and ESP began word vomiting every degrading thing they could come up with about FIL. I promptly stated that I respected both parents in their contribution to my DHs existence, but I was not cool with listening to this junk from either parent. I then turned and walked outside.

It wasn't until recently I realized that as many times and NMIL has gone on about how terrible FIL was, she never, not once, ever gave an example of him being a poor father. Certainly no reason that would explain why someone would feel it necessary for FIL to be completely removed from the children's lives. Every slight she had/has against FIL has to do with their relationship as a married couple. Crazy fact: NMIL and FIL haven't had any contact at all in over 8 years, and the only reason for that contact was NSIL's wedding to her first husband.

Enter the rabbit hole, where truth is shunned and honesty dies.

My boundary letter to NMIL

I decided to start off with where I am at right now in my relationship with my NMIL. The 3 years leading up to this will come, but focusing on this event is as much as my brain is willing to manage at this moment. My DH and I have had issues with his NM, the issues far preceding my arrival in his life. The biggest issue with NMIL is my DHs relationship with his Father. NM and Father have been divorced for two decades plus, yet she can not and will not miss an opportunity to reiterate how horrible he was to her. Never a mention made of what she thought made him a bad father and justified her abusing the court system to deny her children their father. Never does she allow her children to decide on their own if they would have him in their life. DH made the choice to do so. He has been made to pay for it by NMIL at every opportunity. DH has attempted to shut her down and set boundaries, yet she ignores them. This has caused us to completely banish our wedding plans, and to settle on eloping so as to not have our day be made into a NMIL forever moment. The following is an email I sent to NMIL in regards to her disrespect for my DH and my unwillingness to participate in allowing it. I may have screwed up. This might not have been my battle. DH has told NMIL all of this before, so it is not news to her. I can't stomach watching her do this to him and so, I can't be around her. Period.

NMIL,

First things first, thank you for the recipe books. I do appreciate them and they will be used frequently. I should have expressed that to you sooner, and I apologize for not doing so.

Now, the question comes about of why I have not been receptive to you as of late.  You expressed to DH that a person cannot change something if they are not aware of what it is that is offensive. This is true.

I am not able to accept the guilt that is wrongfully laden onto DH for having a relationship with his father. This is a constant issue with you, and encompasses everything from saying things like “you prefer spending time with him over me”, to the repetitive telling of wrongs that were committed by his father, to refusing to respect DH in not referring to ESF as “Dad”.  Regardless of your justifications for doing and saying such things, you cause pain, anxiety and hurt to your son by continuing to put him in the middle of it. Now, you can say that he causes you pain by talking to FIL or whatever, but you are the parent, you chose to have children, and therefore chose to accept the happiness and hurt that comes along with it. DH had no choice in how your relationship with FIL failed. It is not his fault, nor his burden to bear. It is time to stop making it his.

DH has spoken with you about this very topic on numerous occasions to no avail. I made the choice to remove myself from having to witness this constant barrage on DHs’ happiness, and would prefer to be left out of further inclusion in gatherings. I will never begrudge DH the time to make visits with you he is always welcome to do so without any negativity from me.  In time, should it be made plain that you have honestly been able to leave your disdain for DHs’ relationship with his father behind- then I would be more than open to re-establishing a relationship with you.

-DIL-



She has not responded to me. She has responded to DH first by sending my email directly to him and saying only  "I'm sorry I caused you so much pain." and then following up with telling him I've shut sooooooo many people out of his life, that I'm just doing this to be hateful to her, and she's appalled that I would say so many hateful things about ESF (excuse me? there was nothing in this email that was "hateful" towards him). She's also completely ignored the entire scope of the letter and attempted to distract with information about NSIL and DH hurting his niece's by not visiting with them. Love my DH. He immediately refuted her claims against me with facts, and presented her with one question: What did you hope to gain by sending DIL's email to me?  She hasn't responded. Until today. She called him, left a VM like everything is hunky dory. He returned call, left VM telling her he needed an answer to his question. Nothing more.