Today is that day where I've lost my composure. There is nobody around but me thank God.
One week until our wedding, living in my DH's home state surrounded by his FOO and friends. My family resides 12 hours away. This wedding has been planned and re-planned over and over to the point we are at now, which is basically eloping. We've re-planned it so many time because NMIL and FIL can not put their ancient hatred for one another aside long enough to let DH and I have our own moment. I've never really cared that there would be no bridal shower, or bachlorette party or any of that junk. I always thought it rather trivial, and though I still do, today I'm wishing all those things were possible. I wish those things were possible, because that would mean we'd be surrounded by people who loved us. People who cared, and found joy in this stepping stone of our lives. People to share these memories with. For some reason it hit me hard today at Target of all places. I went in to try and find a pair of earrings to wear for the wedding, and there I was alone. Ugh. Shake it off right?
Wish my mother was here. I know without a doubt I could call and tell her I needed her here and she would show up, but her and my Dad are on vacation and will be meeting us in the town we are getting married in a couple days before the wedding. So, I can wait.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Trust in me, just in me
The title for this post came from Disney's the Jungle Book. The snake is singing Mogli to sleep, hypnotizing him, making him easy prey.
I'm feeling like this. The world I've stepped into with my DH's FOO, I feel like it's eating me alive. Awareness of what these people really are helps with NMIL, as she is overt, but she is GOOD at what she does. Making you distraught over her selfishness, then when you're at that precipice of being able to disconnect from any hope and move on in your life, WHAM she pulls out a manipulation. Whatever it was you needed from her, she will supply it so that you can't disconnect, because she did recognize the error of her way and said as much. Until next time right?
N?SM I'm removing the ?. NSM and EFIL. They swallow your soul. NSM has from day one, expressed her worry to me about NMIL wreaking havoc in me and DH's new life together. NSM has made sure that I know I can talk to her about it, as she and EFIL went through it all and she knows just how evil NMIL is. I feel like I've been railroaded. I'm so unsure of what these people are doing. To start with I believed NSM and I did talk to her about it. I think that was a huge mistake, that she was just digging for info in the event they should ever be face-to-face again. Which they will. And she knew. For our wedding. The full weight of that is slamming into my gut. Would these people really spend 3 years mining info, courting my trust, just to have a full round of ammo to use on NMIL, to extract revenge at our wedding?? It would completely destroy the event. It would destroy DH. It would destroy me to know I supplied that ammo.
God save me from myself and those that mean harm.
I'm feeling like this. The world I've stepped into with my DH's FOO, I feel like it's eating me alive. Awareness of what these people really are helps with NMIL, as she is overt, but she is GOOD at what she does. Making you distraught over her selfishness, then when you're at that precipice of being able to disconnect from any hope and move on in your life, WHAM she pulls out a manipulation. Whatever it was you needed from her, she will supply it so that you can't disconnect, because she did recognize the error of her way and said as much. Until next time right?
N?SM I'm removing the ?. NSM and EFIL. They swallow your soul. NSM has from day one, expressed her worry to me about NMIL wreaking havoc in me and DH's new life together. NSM has made sure that I know I can talk to her about it, as she and EFIL went through it all and she knows just how evil NMIL is. I feel like I've been railroaded. I'm so unsure of what these people are doing. To start with I believed NSM and I did talk to her about it. I think that was a huge mistake, that she was just digging for info in the event they should ever be face-to-face again. Which they will. And she knew. For our wedding. The full weight of that is slamming into my gut. Would these people really spend 3 years mining info, courting my trust, just to have a full round of ammo to use on NMIL, to extract revenge at our wedding?? It would completely destroy the event. It would destroy DH. It would destroy me to know I supplied that ammo.
God save me from myself and those that mean harm.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Step into the rabbit hole
DH and I developed a deep, loving, honest and respectful relationship with each other during our time in the neutral state. After close to a year, DH was coming to the end of the project for which he'd been sent to this state for. It was time for us to make a choice; should he quit the job that sent him there and accept one offered to him in this new state and start our lives in this place foreign to both of us? Should we pick up and move to my home state where we would both have to find new jobs, or should I go with him back to his home state? The choice was made for me to accompany him to his home state.
Enter FIL and Narcissist(?) Stepmother (Hereafter referred to as N?SM-the ? is because at this time I'm not sure about her true intentions or goals). DH had only been renting a room in his friends house up to this point. He travels a lot for work so the maintenance of home ownership wasn't realistic. Prior to DH coming back to his home state, he and the friend had a major falling-out (long story short, friend got engaged to a N and turned on DH when he didn't enable them using him for $) and returning to that situation was out of the question. FIL and N?SM offered us space in their home. We accepted and spent 3 months their until we purchased our first home.
What is so important to understand, is the history between NMIL and FIL. They married at 19/20. and had 2 children-DH and NSIL. When DH was 8 they divorced and 5 years of raging drama and court battles ensued. The battles came to an end after both children had suffered to the point of failing in school, depression and suicidal thoughts. The battle didn't end because the parents came to an agreement out of love for their children's well-being; rather it came out of sacrifice by FIL. He relinquished custody in order to save them from further emotional decimation.
NMIL spent all of DH and NSIL's childhood training them to believe that FIL abandoned them because he didn't care. NMIL, upon meeting me, immediately began trying to control my view of FIL as well by announcing that FIL beat her, was a druggie, cheated and addicted to porn,every chance she gets. ESF chimes in with supportive accusations when she's on a rant.
The first time I had to witness this attempt at character assassination was soon after we had arrived to DH's home state, and we had come to visit NMIL and ESP. We attempted to reserve exactly who it was we were staying with, but NMIL correctly figured it out, and standing there in the dining room, her and ESP began word vomiting every degrading thing they could come up with about FIL. I promptly stated that I respected both parents in their contribution to my DHs existence, but I was not cool with listening to this junk from either parent. I then turned and walked outside.
It wasn't until recently I realized that as many times and NMIL has gone on about how terrible FIL was, she never, not once, ever gave an example of him being a poor father. Certainly no reason that would explain why someone would feel it necessary for FIL to be completely removed from the children's lives. Every slight she had/has against FIL has to do with their relationship as a married couple. Crazy fact: NMIL and FIL haven't had any contact at all in over 8 years, and the only reason for that contact was NSIL's wedding to her first husband.
Enter the rabbit hole, where truth is shunned and honesty dies.
Enter FIL and Narcissist(?) Stepmother (Hereafter referred to as N?SM-the ? is because at this time I'm not sure about her true intentions or goals). DH had only been renting a room in his friends house up to this point. He travels a lot for work so the maintenance of home ownership wasn't realistic. Prior to DH coming back to his home state, he and the friend had a major falling-out (long story short, friend got engaged to a N and turned on DH when he didn't enable them using him for $) and returning to that situation was out of the question. FIL and N?SM offered us space in their home. We accepted and spent 3 months their until we purchased our first home.
What is so important to understand, is the history between NMIL and FIL. They married at 19/20. and had 2 children-DH and NSIL. When DH was 8 they divorced and 5 years of raging drama and court battles ensued. The battles came to an end after both children had suffered to the point of failing in school, depression and suicidal thoughts. The battle didn't end because the parents came to an agreement out of love for their children's well-being; rather it came out of sacrifice by FIL. He relinquished custody in order to save them from further emotional decimation.
NMIL spent all of DH and NSIL's childhood training them to believe that FIL abandoned them because he didn't care. NMIL, upon meeting me, immediately began trying to control my view of FIL as well by announcing that FIL beat her, was a druggie, cheated and addicted to porn,every chance she gets. ESF chimes in with supportive accusations when she's on a rant.
The first time I had to witness this attempt at character assassination was soon after we had arrived to DH's home state, and we had come to visit NMIL and ESP. We attempted to reserve exactly who it was we were staying with, but NMIL correctly figured it out, and standing there in the dining room, her and ESP began word vomiting every degrading thing they could come up with about FIL. I promptly stated that I respected both parents in their contribution to my DHs existence, but I was not cool with listening to this junk from either parent. I then turned and walked outside.
It wasn't until recently I realized that as many times and NMIL has gone on about how terrible FIL was, she never, not once, ever gave an example of him being a poor father. Certainly no reason that would explain why someone would feel it necessary for FIL to be completely removed from the children's lives. Every slight she had/has against FIL has to do with their relationship as a married couple. Crazy fact: NMIL and FIL haven't had any contact at all in over 8 years, and the only reason for that contact was NSIL's wedding to her first husband.
Enter the rabbit hole, where truth is shunned and honesty dies.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
What a first impression!
My DH and I began dating while we were both located in a state that was home to neither of us. All surrounding people and places were new, unfamiliar, and unbiased. We spent a year in that place. Just the two of us, with nothing to build the foundation of our relationship on except for US. It was, I now believe, the only way we could have ever built the true strength into our bond that has kept outside forces from tearing us apart.
During this first year, my NMIL's 50th birthday is approaching. Two months prior to this event, DH asks what she would like and she says, "Just to see my son on my birthday". Plans are made to make the 900 mile trip to his hometown for her birthday. We both take 2 days off of work around a weekend so that we have 2 full days there to visit.
Fast forward to NMIL's birthday party. We gave her a bag full of gag gifts, and I made her a bracelet that I spent much time agonizing over so as to appeal to her style and taste. She half-heartedly laughed at the gifts so as not to look sore in front of her friends, made a comment that the bracelet was "nice" and pushed it aside to move onto the next gift. The next gift was store-bought jewelry that was very very similar to what I had made. She GUSHED over it. "OH MY LORD!! (SO-AND-SO'S NAME) YOU KNOW ME SOOOOOO WELL!! I LOOOOOOVE IT!!!" The underlying message being sent to DH here is how terrible of a gift his was. That the 900 miles, 2 days of lost pay (4 days really as there are 2 of us taking time off), $500 in gas spent to be there, and the effort put into hand-making customized jewelry for her birthday, were nowhere near as good a gift as the jewelry that So-and-So picked up at the store 10 minutes prior to the party for maybe $50.
Fast forward again. DH and I arrive back to the neutral state and that very evening he receives a phone call from NMIL. She proceeds to chastise him and belittle him because "My own son didn't even get me a birthday present". I had no idea what she was saying while he was on the phone with her, I just saw my DH go from relaxed and happy, to looking like he'd been beaten with a cane pole and left out in the rain for days. That she had told him she JUST wanted to see him on her birthday, and then turn around and belittle him for doing exactly that is BullS**T. Pure and simple crap.
My first impression of his mother was one of beyond imaginable inconsideration, and of a women whose sole focus in life is on the things she owns or can get from others. She has no idea to this day that I was made privy to that crap phone call she made. Oh and by the way, lest we forget, she put food on the table, clothes on his back and a roof over his head alllllll those years, so to do anything but serve her with every ounce of his being is absolutely unacceptable. Yep. She totally pulled out the whole "I took care of all your needs as a child". I disagree, but that's another post.
-Kerielle-
During this first year, my NMIL's 50th birthday is approaching. Two months prior to this event, DH asks what she would like and she says, "Just to see my son on my birthday". Plans are made to make the 900 mile trip to his hometown for her birthday. We both take 2 days off of work around a weekend so that we have 2 full days there to visit.
Fast forward to NMIL's birthday party. We gave her a bag full of gag gifts, and I made her a bracelet that I spent much time agonizing over so as to appeal to her style and taste. She half-heartedly laughed at the gifts so as not to look sore in front of her friends, made a comment that the bracelet was "nice" and pushed it aside to move onto the next gift. The next gift was store-bought jewelry that was very very similar to what I had made. She GUSHED over it. "OH MY LORD!! (SO-AND-SO'S NAME) YOU KNOW ME SOOOOOO WELL!! I LOOOOOOVE IT!!!" The underlying message being sent to DH here is how terrible of a gift his was. That the 900 miles, 2 days of lost pay (4 days really as there are 2 of us taking time off), $500 in gas spent to be there, and the effort put into hand-making customized jewelry for her birthday, were nowhere near as good a gift as the jewelry that So-and-So picked up at the store 10 minutes prior to the party for maybe $50.
Fast forward again. DH and I arrive back to the neutral state and that very evening he receives a phone call from NMIL. She proceeds to chastise him and belittle him because "My own son didn't even get me a birthday present". I had no idea what she was saying while he was on the phone with her, I just saw my DH go from relaxed and happy, to looking like he'd been beaten with a cane pole and left out in the rain for days. That she had told him she JUST wanted to see him on her birthday, and then turn around and belittle him for doing exactly that is BullS**T. Pure and simple crap.
My first impression of his mother was one of beyond imaginable inconsideration, and of a women whose sole focus in life is on the things she owns or can get from others. She has no idea to this day that I was made privy to that crap phone call she made. Oh and by the way, lest we forget, she put food on the table, clothes on his back and a roof over his head alllllll those years, so to do anything but serve her with every ounce of his being is absolutely unacceptable. Yep. She totally pulled out the whole "I took care of all your needs as a child". I disagree, but that's another post.
-Kerielle-
Friday, September 5, 2014
My boundary letter to NMIL
I decided to start off with where I am at right now in my relationship with my NMIL. The 3 years leading up to this will come, but focusing on this event is as much as my brain is willing to manage at this moment. My DH and I have had issues with his NM, the issues far preceding my arrival in his life. The biggest issue with NMIL is my DHs relationship with his Father. NM and Father have been divorced for two decades plus, yet she can not and will not miss an opportunity to reiterate how horrible he was to her. Never a mention made of what she thought made him a bad father and justified her abusing the court system to deny her children their father. Never does she allow her children to decide on their own if they would have him in their life. DH made the choice to do so. He has been made to pay for it by NMIL at every opportunity. DH has attempted to shut her down and set boundaries, yet she ignores them. This has caused us to completely banish our wedding plans, and to settle on eloping so as to not have our day be made into a NMIL forever moment. The following is an email I sent to NMIL in regards to her disrespect for my DH and my unwillingness to participate in allowing it. I may have screwed up. This might not have been my battle. DH has told NMIL all of this before, so it is not news to her. I can't stomach watching her do this to him and so, I can't be around her. Period.
-DIL-
She has not responded to me. She has responded to DH first by sending my email directly to him and saying only "I'm sorry I caused you so much pain." and then following up with telling him I've shut sooooooo many people out of his life, that I'm just doing this to be hateful to her, and she's appalled that I would say so many hateful things about ESF (excuse me? there was nothing in this email that was "hateful" towards him). She's also completely ignored the entire scope of the letter and attempted to distract with information about NSIL and DH hurting his niece's by not visiting with them. Love my DH. He immediately refuted her claims against me with facts, and presented her with one question: What did you hope to gain by sending DIL's email to me? She hasn't responded. Until today. She called him, left a VM like everything is hunky dory. He returned call, left VM telling her he needed an answer to his question. Nothing more.
NMIL,
First things first, thank you for the recipe books. I do
appreciate them and they will be used frequently. I should have expressed that
to you sooner, and I apologize for not doing so.
Now, the question comes about of why I have not been
receptive to you as of late. You
expressed to DH that a person cannot change something if they are not
aware of what it is that is offensive. This is true.
I am not able to accept the guilt that is wrongfully laden
onto DH for having a relationship with his father. This is a constant issue
with you, and encompasses everything from saying things like “you prefer
spending time with him over me”, to the repetitive telling of wrongs that were
committed by his father, to refusing to respect DH in not referring to ESF as “Dad”.
Regardless of your justifications for
doing and saying such things, you cause pain, anxiety and hurt to your son by
continuing to put him in the middle of it. Now, you can say that he causes you
pain by talking to FIL or whatever, but you are the parent, you chose to have
children, and therefore chose to accept the happiness and hurt that comes along
with it. DH had no choice in how your relationship with FIL failed. It is
not his fault, nor his burden to bear. It is time to stop making it his.
DH has spoken with you about this very topic on numerous occasions
to no avail. I made the choice to remove myself from having to witness this
constant barrage on DHs’ happiness, and would prefer to be left out of further
inclusion in gatherings. I will never begrudge DH the time to make visits with
you he is always welcome to do so without any negativity from me. In time, should it be made plain that you have
honestly been able to leave your disdain for DHs’ relationship with his father behind-
then I would be more than open to re-establishing a relationship with you.
She has not responded to me. She has responded to DH first by sending my email directly to him and saying only "I'm sorry I caused you so much pain." and then following up with telling him I've shut sooooooo many people out of his life, that I'm just doing this to be hateful to her, and she's appalled that I would say so many hateful things about ESF (excuse me? there was nothing in this email that was "hateful" towards him). She's also completely ignored the entire scope of the letter and attempted to distract with information about NSIL and DH hurting his niece's by not visiting with them. Love my DH. He immediately refuted her claims against me with facts, and presented her with one question: What did you hope to gain by sending DIL's email to me? She hasn't responded. Until today. She called him, left a VM like everything is hunky dory. He returned call, left VM telling her he needed an answer to his question. Nothing more.
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